Thinking
by orphan mia
Summary: The trick to being a ferry girl is you can't think too much. This story is from Botan's POV about Hiei and her relationship with him. Read and Review! one-shot!


Thinking

A/N: This is just a one-shot to tide everyone over. It may push the T rating, but eh, you only live once, right? This is in Botan's POV, and it's about Hiei and their relationship. Read and Review!

I

The trick to being a ferry girl is not to think very much.

Strange advice, but it's true. I've seen other girls go mad by thinking too much. So I tend to just live day by day. My name is Botan because that was what Koenma told me. I'm always happy and love making people smile because Koenma told me that is my personality. I was once human because Koenma told me so.

Truth is, my name might not be Botan.

Truth is... I have no idea who I am... but that's not important. What _is_ important is that these thoughts are considered "thinking too much," so I stopped. Thinking, I mean.

Hi, my name is Botan, top ferry girl in all of Rekai.

That's what I say to them. The dead people, I mean. I fall into my routine, and everything was good.

Until... I saw _him_.

II

It was a Tuesday. I'll always remember that it was a Tuesday because Yusuke was complaining about his lab on Wednesday. It hadn't been an overly strange day, but then I heard a voice in my head. A deep, tenor rumble.

Hiei Jaganshi.

When Yusuke and I were in that warehouse and Hiei transformed into his full demonic form... I stared, my mouth open slightly.

_He's __**beautiful**__..._

And I started _thinking_. Why did I think that a green-skinned _monster_ covered in eyes was _beautiful?_ It made no sense. But it was the truth. It took all of the will I had to turn away from him and work on Keiko.

When it was all over, Yusuke left with Keiko while Kurama and I stayed behind, waiting for Koenma. I _should_ have been drooling over the half human, half fox spirit next to me, but I couldn't. I saw that he was attractive just like everyone saw that the sky was blue. It was true, but it wasn't that important to me.

I stared at him... Hiei Jaganshi... and felt a strange sensation wash over me. It started at the very tip of my nose and consumed my entire body. Electricity prickled at my fingertips and I gazed down at the perfect man.

That was the day I began painting. I had never painted before, but now I was covering canvases with black, green, and red. I never knew I had a talent for painting until Hiei.

I found myself with countless portraits of the fire demon. He was doing many things, from eating an apple to killing another demon.

III

_Painter. Concubine. War lord._

Those were the top three things that I thought I was when I was human. After all, I may have been a man and had been changed to be a woman when I died. I kept a notebook with me, scribbling down ideas.

I hadn't stopped painting.

The first time he touched me, I thought I had been burned. It was a simple form of contact. He grabbed my wrist, telling me never to touch him.

Kami... never before had I felt the fire of lust, but Hiei gave it to me. In that simple touch, I was on fire, trembling from head to toe. And... I couldn't hide it in time. I saw his Jagan Eye glow, and he quickly released me, his face full of disgust and confusion.

We didn't talk after that.

A part of me knew I should care or be worried, but I wasn't. It only fueled my desire to know who I _was_. Who had I been in my previous life... and why was the information that was lodged in my subconsciousness making me have feelings for a mortal demon?

After that mission... I began to paint furiously. I would dip my hands into the red paint, roughly applying the red to make Hiei look unhinged. A wild horse off of its reins.

I remember painting, my teeth gnashing as I finished one painting and immediately moved on to another. One filled with fire and danger. Tears streamed down my face, though I felt no pain. I wiped at my eyes, leaving red streaks.

My entire apartment was filled with my paintings. I had to sleep in the bathtub, and I could not eat in my kitchen. My obsession was consuming me, and I realized that soon I would become another one of those urban legends. I would be that ferry girl who loses her mind trying to find out her past.

The paintbrush fell from my crimson hands. The portrait was... my best one so far. Hiei was surrounded by fire and death, his hair singed and his eyes tired but willing to go on. To live and conquer his enemies.

Unconsciously, my hand went out to caress his face. I left behind two streaks of red... and... by God... he was crying blood. Falling to my knees, I began to laugh. I was laughing so hard that tears streamed down my cheeks. I was already mad. I was too far gone—

I heard one of my portraits clatter, falling to the ground.

Turning around, still on the floor, I saw Hiei Jaganshi staring at me. I rubbed my eyes, leaving more red on my face. At that point, I could not trust my eyes. He could have been a simple hallucination from my hyperventilation. A painting that came to life.

I remember his eyes were wide and uncertain. That was when I _knew..._ I _knew _he was real. He looked around my home in horror... seeing himself.

My art. My life.

No doubt he came here to kill me for wanting him. Or to threaten me. But now he got more than he bargained for. I giggled.

He stared at me. I wish I could read him like I could with everyone else. I sucked in a trembling breath, still smiling.

"Why?"

His voice... usually so strong, cracked.

"It's all I have." I let out a laugh, but it came out as a thick sob. "It's all I have..." He came closer, his eyes moving to the painting I had just finished. He froze. "Do you know who I am? Well, do you?"

God, he was so close. I wanted to touch him so badly, the fire of lust burning through my veins.

"No. No, I don't."

"G-Good. Neither do I."

IV

After that night, he didn't threaten me. He was still stand-offish, but he never said that he hated me. My spirit soared.

I began to control my lust until it was merely a dull throb. It's strange how wonderful sin felt if you've never felt it before. Instead, I learned as much as I could about Hiei. His origins... his banishment for being the Forbidden Child. His sister Yukina... and his time as a mass-murderer.

When I was done reading his file, the lust was gone. A new, foreign and painful feeling replaced it. It was a terrible ache... and I thought I was going to die.

My paintings began to change. I was no longer consumed with furious desire. I was now calm and precise when it came to capturing the fire demon's beauty.

I had to sleep on the floor.

The first time he kissed me... it was... messy. I had been ferrying souls as usual when I was informed that there was a death approaching when it was wasn't supposed to be. I teleported to the location and... at first, I didn't see anything that was in the process of dying. All the demons were already dead.

Then... I heard a wet cough... and I saw Hiei on the ground. His stomach was deeply cut, blood and... entrails leaking out. I was on him so fast. I did not think as I summoned all of my energy and healed him.

Healings are supposed to be slow, but this was fast. I pressed on the wound, screaming as my energy ripped out of my skin and into his. What I was doing was as forbidden as his conception.

Death does not save lives.

When I was done, I fell to the ground, twitching. My fingers, oh, they were _ruined_. The tips were torn to shreds. It looked like someone had mistaken my fingers for bananas and peeled them back.

Hiei was yelling. I couldn't hear him, my brain screaming in sheer agony. He was shaking me. I blacked out.

When I woke up, I was on a bed. Mukuro was standing over me, her brow furrowed. She cleared her throat.

"Your fingers will be fine. Come back in three weeks so I can remove the stitches."

She helped me sit up. I stared at my hands. Black thread ran up them. Blinking stupidly, I opened my dry lips.

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me. I wasn't the one who brought you here."

Mukuro left. I thought I was alone until one of the shadows moved.

"You are... the _stupidest _woman I have ever met." Hiei. I smiled warmly as he stepped out of the darkness. "I was going to die. Why would you save me?"

The burn of... this new emotion grabbed a tight hold on me.

"I have a painting that I have to finish." I smiled. "I'm close. I can feel it."

"You're close to insanity."

"Maybe."

He was almost touching me.

"Aren't you going to get in trouble?"

"Probably." Hiei shook his head, muttering darkly under his breath. He was pale, and I think his knees were shaking. "God, you're so beautiful."

It slipped out. I regretted opening my mouth as his crimson eyes pierced mine, but I could not look away. He was _pissed_, confused, and... _something else_ all at once, and it was the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

I remember how his hands reached out and grabbed my cheeks. His nails dug into my skin, but I did not wince. He pulled me into a kiss. It was very hard, but also very short. He broke away, his eyes wide. Terrified. Disgusted.

My hand reached out, and I touched his lips. He didn't jerk away. I grimaced, my fingers still in pain, but I traced the contours of his face. I saw his anxiety ease off of his body, his muscles relaxing.

He kissed me again, and now that we were both a bit more sure of ourselves, he lingered. He was so soft, his lips, I mean. Unlike the rest of him. When he pulled away, I thought that... perhaps I was a thief. A princess.

I let out a short chuckle at my thoughts. Hiei smiled.

V

I was demoted. I no longer had the title of 'Rekai's top ferry girl.' Yusuke and Kuwabara were mad and confused. Kurama gave me a hug, saying that to him, I would always be the best.

Hiei was livid.

Koenma would never forgive for not stopping Hiei from threatening his life. Hiei came to my apartment, now much smaller and full of mold, and saw that I was sleeping in my closet. I had stopped listing all of the people I could have been.

He hadn't kissed or talked to me in months. I didn't expect him to.

"It's not fair."

I almost smiled at his words. My fingers now had thin, pale scars running up them like spider webs.

"Life isn't fair, Hiei."

"Why didn't you just...?"

"It wasn't your time."

"Don't lie."

Technically, I wasn't lying. I slumped over in my closet.

"You've given me so much. I... I had no idea... what... or who I really was until I met you. For all those years, centuries and centuries, I felt _nothing_. You have no idea how good it feels, Hiei. It feels like... I am breathing with a purpose."

I swear he blushed.

"But... you've always been happy, haven't you?"

"No. I was told I was so I just believed what I was told. Until..."

I trailed off. He already knew.

"You should stop. Find someone else."

"I should, but I can't."

He smiled, but it was devoid of humor.

"I can't make you happy."

"I don't want you to. I never expected you to, and I still don't."

"Than why... why...?"

_Why do you love me?_

I returned his smile, tears running down my cheeks.

"I don't know." I began to shake. "I don't know, and it's killing me... but at least... at least I've felt it... you know?" Now I was crying. I couldn't stop talking. I had to tell him. "Sometimes I think about you so much that I don't remember what I was doing. I miss you so much it _hurts_. A part of me _does_ want you to be with me, like everyone else. Spending our lives together. But the rest of me would _hate_ myself because I never want you to change. The mere thought of you trying to act different... God, I can't even breathe..." He didn't want to hear this. Who would? "I'm sorry... I'm so sorry..."

VI

He moved all of my paintings to his chamber in Mukuro's fortress. Mukuro remarked that I was a very talented artist, but it didn't matter. He said that I needed to sleep in an actual bed.

I didn't paint anymore. I did my job, what little of it I had left. My roof would leak, and I had many pots and pans catching water. My shower didn't get warm water, and there was always a cold draft that made me shiver every night.

But it didn't matter.

I made a fire, for warmth, and was holding my hands close to the flames. I stared at my scars, and smiled. I was cold, miserable, and usually damp from all the leaks. But I was _alive_.

"No new paintings?"

I might have jumped at Hiei's voice, but I was too cold.

"Nope."

My fire was pathetic.

"Take your hands away."

I obeyed. Hiei snapped his fingers, and a new, bigger and brighter fire roared in front of me. I let out a satisfied sigh, warmth seeping into my skin. I hadn't realized just how cold I had been until he made me warm.

Hiei waited until I turned around to kiss me. It was hot. His body heat was off the charts. He licked my lips, and I didn't think twice before opening my mouth. He growled.

That night, we didn't think. I was taking my clothes off just as fast as he was. The air was cold, but I didn't care. He was there to warm me up. He kissed me, both of us as naked as the day we were born.

My sanity faded away that night. I must have had sex before I died because I knew what to do. I knew how to touch him, make him lose control inch by inch. We didn't have much time or control for foreplay.

I didn't mind.

After a furious duet of our voices saying each other's names with pleasure, we laid on my small, uncomfortable mattress. I savored his body heat.

For the first time in my existence, I fell asleep with a smile on my face.

VII

I began painting again. But not just Hiei. Places, people, anything really. I remember flying to Mukuro's fortress with six new paintings strapped to my back. Hiei tried not to seem _too_ happy about it.

Mukuro now hangs my pieces around the castle.

Hiei and I kiss a lot now. And I can tell he's getting used to the idea of having me around. I'm getting used to the idea of him wanting to be with me.

"Why me?"

We're both staring at my paintings. I smile, and turn to him.

"You made me think."

The End

VIII

A/N: Well, there you have it folks. Did you like it? I thought it was more realistic... I don't know. Tell me what you think! Read and Review!

-mia


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